There is an incomprehensible deep sadness.
A home once filled with joy and laughter has turned to ash.
I set fire to that house long ago but each time I return to where it stood I am sad.
Sadness cannot fully describe the feeling.
Abysmal.
I’m not visiting long my heart won’t let me.
I’m leaving the ashes behind.
I’m never looking back.
I wish I could stay in this dream.
You love me with no hesitations.
You mean every word you say.
There is no delay.
I wake up.
I don’t cry because I can’t.
I have no tears left to give.
I say, “Let’s be friends” but it is a lie.
I can’t be friends as desperately as I want to be.
Because you don’t love me and you don’t care.
And I can’t share my heart anymore.
It hurts too much.
I am not the standard of beauty but I am lovely.
I have good soul.
I love God more than I could ever love you.
But you can’t force friendship or love.
I’m sad to say my goodbyes because it has been fun
But it is time for me to sail off into the sun.
Silence speaks.
And I hope you can hear what I’m saying.
Tell me
Tell me why we have to lose something in order to express our true feelings?
Tell me
Tell me why we let people get to a point of feeling so unloved, unwanted, unimportant that they take their life?
Tell me
Tell me why we can’t just rip our chest open and expose our hearts?
Tell me
Tell me why we can’t take 30 seconds out of our day to awknowledge someone?
Tell me
Tell me why we are too afraid to step into a love that is so real only few people experience its power?
Tell me
Tell me why you can’t love me?
Tell me
Tell me why you decided to leave?
Tell me
Tell me why, please
Don’t ask how I’m doing unless you want an honest answer.
This depression in my brain is just like a cancer.
Ruthless. Destructive.
Don’t tell me everything is going to be okay when you have no idea what this pain feels like.
When you get to sleep at night.
Because I can promise you that I am awake scared to death to sleep.
When I sleep I dream of death and when I awake to the sun in my room I cry.
I cry because I didn’t die but then I hear a song or see something so beautiful that for a moment I have hope.
A stranger smiles at me and someone buys me coffee. I suddenly feel like life is okay.
But then as the sun says goodnight I fight the intrusive thoughts.
The thought that I am not wanted. I have nothing to offer. I am not enough.
The thoughts that taught me how to have enough courage to swollow a bottle of pills.
How messed up is it that I have more courage in my attempts, then I do in talking to strangers.
But you see everyday is this battle of dark and light. Night and day.
People pray for me. They say, ‘stay for me.’
And during the daylight I induldge in their wishes but as soon as night comes I burn those bridges.
Each day is a fight. A plight of life.
What keeps me going is my desire to set fire to the hearts of those hurting.
I know you, my friends.
I see your pain. I feel it myself.
The shame. The guilt. The hate.
I feel those things like you but instead of trying to put out the fire I let it consume me.
I allow myself to feel the pain and I take it and make it my own.
I harness the fire to light the way to my desires.
My dreams that are way too big.
My purpose that is bigger than myself.
My love for all things beautiful.
I still struggle with living but instead of hiding from my demons…
I fight back.
So cry because you awoke to the sun.
Cry for the all the pain you feel.
Cry
Feel
Breathe
Live, for there will come a time where your story will be needed to help someone else feeling as you do now.
ALifeWorthLiving 