How the Oceans were created pt 1

There once was a girl who everyone thought was brave.

They admired her as she went off on strange adventures.

They complimented her on her zest for life.

She had the eyes of a warrior and a heart made of clay.

Every night she would go to a hidden cave near a small pond.

She would stare at her reflection screaming, ‘save me’. Never liking who she would see.

Every night her tears of anger caused the pond to grow.

Soon the pond turned into a lake which turned into an ocean.

The townspeople had no idea how this was Happening but they didn’t care to find out.

The brave girl didn’t look so brave anymore.

She looked tired.

Sad.

Hurt.

Those warrior eyes had turned to coal. Her clay heart that was so beautifully molded had shattered.

No one could understand what happened to someone so beautiful.

The brave girl was fighting a battle that no one could see.

No one could understand the suffering that was hidden from their judgmental eyes.

One day this old wise man came into town. The sight of him stopped everyone in their tracks.

People were looking for facts but couldn’t explain the tidal wave of emotions that overcame them.

The brave girl hid in her cave beside the ocean. Crying for someone to save her.

The old man heard her cry and walked to the entrance of the cave.

He called out to her and said, ‘why do you need to be saved?’

The brave girl calmly looked up and answered, ‘ Because I am ugly inside and out. I have made too many mistakes. I don’t deserve the title I have been given by the townspeople.’

The old man moved closer to her. His eyes filled with tears as he looked at this beautiful creature so torn apart. His heart cried out for hers that had been so broken.

While tears streamed down his face he asked, ‘ This use to be a small pond. How did an ocean get here?’

She stared at her reflection and said, ‘The wilderness in my heart has been deforested. The shining stars have burned out. The hurricane of guilt and shame has caused a flood to pour from my eyes.’

The old man got on his knees in front of her and grabbed her hands. He said, ‘ my brave girl, do you not see that through your pain and tears you have made life? Do you not see the growth? Do you not see the beautiful things that have come forth? Whatever you have done is forgiven. It does not hold you captive any longer. Your pain and suffering served a purpose greater than yourself. You were so caught up in your own reflection that you didn’t see the beauty it had created. Everyone will suffer but there will always be beauty to be found from it. Get up my brave girl. Let’s rebuild your heart and clean your eyes.’

Most stories would end at this point. The author would leave the reader with a satisfaction that the girl got better but this story doesn’t end like that…

 

Me first

My fire is dim, hidden within.

My heart is on the mend never to be broken again.

For I can’t give myself away so easily.

If you want me you have to prove it.

If you want my heart, then you have to move it.

I know you don’t see the greatness in me but I’m stronger than what you see.

My heart burns for a gentle love.

The same gentle love that God has for me.

One that is deep and wide.

One that doesn’t hide.

I’m not your dream woman and that’s okay.

I never expected you to stay.

I’m sad only for a moment of ‘what ifs’

But I can’t pay the price of shattering my own heart to give you life.

Eyes

Write.

Delete.

Write.

Delete.

I have this cycle on repeat.

Because how do I describe something indescribable?

Looking at you is like looking at the sunset on my favorite beach.

But that can’t capture the essence of feelings or emotions.

Looking at you is like hearing a song that moves my soul.

But still you don’t understand…

Looking at you is like looking at my future.

Unclear but free 

Maybe you don’t see me. Maybe you do…

But I’ll always be here looking at you.

See Me

I’m standing here with a smile on my face.

What do you see?

Maybe just a girl who is happy. 

Maybe a girl who has something to hide.

I’m standing in front of you desperate for a friend, yet you don’t see.

The conversation ends and my smile fades.

Long drives with sad music.

Thoughts of loneliness ensue.

I pray to God to show me what is true.

You’re standing there with a smile on your face.

What do I see?

I see a soul longing for connection.

I see pain and wonder.

I see a heart yearning for something more.

I see you.

Can you see me? 

Dear Future Husband

Dear future husband,

I guess I’m writing this because I’m thinking of you. I’m thinking of if I already know you or if we have yet to meet. I’m thinking of if I’ll know from first glance that you are the one.

I’m also writing this because I love you. You’ll learn my life story and all the pain it holds. You’ll see the scars on my arms. You’ll hear the desperate cry in my voice for God to be my everything. You’ll watch me scrunch my forehead when I’m thinking about something. You’ll notice me. You’ll see me.

 I have to thank you now for your patience. God is repairing my heart little by little. He is restoring my faith in men everyday. He is holding me in the dead of night when I can’t breathe from crying so hard. He is helping me to look at myself with love rather than criticism. He is the one my soul will forever belong to. He created you to pull us closer to Him. 

I guess I feel like writing what is on my heart… I pray for you. I’m waiting for you. I’m getting ready for you. I am a glorious mess. I can be as peaceful as the beach and a raging wildfire the next minute. I’m loud, crazy, and fun. I make mistakes all the time but I’ll take responsibility for them. My love is deep. It is like a raging river that some people find fun and excited, while others get scared. I am honest. I’m loyal to a fault. I’ll give you everything I have to give as long as we give it to God first. I can’t wait to meet you! 
I love you handsome,

Your future wife.

Second Try

A room full of people yet I was alone.

Silently my heart was turning to stone.

Pills of misfortune. Feeling foreign.

Locked doors and secrets.

My mom found me. White as ghost.

She realized I no longer wanted to host myself.

I can still hear panic in her voice but I had made my choice.

Days forgotten. Hearts broken. The sounds of sobbing echoed in my ears.

I Survived my second try. 

I came to the conclusion that my life is no illusion.

There has to be a purpose in me coming back to the surface.

So I took that purpose and I started to create.

Dark & Twisted

My dark mind is hard to control

I can’t stand the silence it produces violence

All I hear is death. All I say is save me.

Oh save me. Save me. Save me.

Attempts to drown out the thoughts but no matter how loud I make it I can never shake it off.

Dark parts of my brain start to get inflamed. And I’m scared my life will never be the same.

All I hear is death. All I say is save me.

I don’t have many friends. I’m afraid it’s from all my sins.

I’m afraid of the dark but also the light. My throat feels tight. I continue to fight.

All I hear is death. All I say is save me.
If you say something enough times it loses its meaning.

My mind is numb to the words. I’m not sure what they mean anymore but I’ll continue to say them. I’ll never change them.

Save me.

Save me.

Save me.