The Battlefield

The power of the mind is strong but my God is stronger.

My therapist describes life as a continual game of whack-a-mole. Once you think you have overcome one thing another issue pops up.

This could not be more accurate…. at least for me.

My God has helped me defeat depression and any thoughts of suicide. It has been almost 2 years since my second attempt and I am not medicated AND have not struggled with any depression. God has RESTORED my life and has brought so much joy.

However, I am on the war path to becoming more Christlike. This means that there are other areas of myself that need to be conquered.

The most recent issue that I am having to deal with is REJECTION. And more specifically rejection from people….. sigh….. this process is hard to walk through.

God has highlighted this issue to me in the past few months. I am so fearful of rejection that I reject people first. I don’t even give them a chance because I want to barricade myself from any chance at getting hurt.

Rejection is a trend that started back when I was a little girl and has followed me throughout my life. Girls telling me I was ugly and couldn’t play with them. Guys telling me that I had the best personality but just didn’t make the cut physically . A family member that screamed at me if I ate a second bread stick at Olive Garden. The list could go on and on and on. These moments in my life I can relive as if they happened yesterday. Tears well up in my eyes and the pain from those moment flood back to my memory.

Rejection. An inevitable bullet wound that happens in the battle field of life. ALL of us will be rejected by someone. Jesus, a perfect innocent man, was rejected and crucified by the very people he saved.

I’m in the trenches of the war zone. I can see the enemy firing from the other side. Randomly I’m hit with a bullet that says”Something is wrong with you. No one likes you. Look at what has happened before it will happen again. Hide” I have a choice to make either let that bullet wound become so infected that it kills me OR pick up my weapon and fight.

This is my weapon. The TRUTH of God’s Word.

I will not allow the OPINION of man to trump the TRUTH of God.

When we allow God’s truth to fight for us then His healing oil will pour out over our wounds from the world. The oil seeps into the most painful parts and causes the inflammation and pain to cease and healing begins.

This is the daily war I am facing. The Devil has given up trying to take my life so he is trying to take my identity. My God has already won this war for me and now I have to walk out the process of learning to walk in victory that He has already given me. THIS IS HARD.

My beautiful Father, I thank you for this painful learning process. Thank you for showing me an area of my life that needs your healing oil. Thank you for the work you are already doing in me. Thank you for your truth. Thank you for always loving and accepting me. I’m yours forever.

– Annabelle

Creation

I’m not sure why my best creative ideas come when I’m feeling down.

It’s like my mind knows that I don’t have the words to express what I’m feeling.

Tonight, the only desire I have is to buy a giant canvas and paint. I’m a terrible painter but the desire to create is insatiable.

Creation is an expression.

We were created out of God’s expressed love.

My creation is expressed out of a desire for joy.

Poetry, paintings, music these are all things that bring me great joy.

Tonight I am reminded to look for a reason to create when I am joyful not just when I’m down.

When I am joyful my creation is expressed out of gratitude for all God has done.

My inspiration to create won’t be limited to a feeling but a desire to dive deeper into the heart of my Father.

Our Tree

We swing by the tree just you and me.

Our tree is a sacred place.

The only place where I am free.

Your loving gaze at me sets my heart ablaze.

How I love our tree.

The secret meeting place where my heart can go.

The beautiful moments of relief from a dying world.

The Messiah and I sit in the shade of our tree talking about life.

We talk about love, fear, and dreams.

Some days we lay in a hammock together in silence as a gentle breeze rocks us.

The deepest longing of my heart is safely stored at our tree.

Thank you Lord for creating a beautiful oasis that teems with life for me.

Hurricane

Though this hurricane spins

I still feel my lungs breathing in

There is purpose in the pain

So I will remain

The Silent Door that Closes

This beautiful post comes from a dear friend of mine Maggie Garred. She wanted to share this vision that she got from the Lord. I pray that we all have the courage to give God the key to our desires so that we can walk with him in freedom! 

“The prison doors are always open, always calling to the weak and foolish. They swing wide when an interested soul looks in; but, my son, I don’t tell you to tempt you, I tell you to warn you.
I see you there looking in, don’t go further, don’t step in.

I see you now stepping in, you want to look around and see.

You catch a glimpse out the window, and you go further to see the view,

Oh my son, you don’t see what is happening,

The silent door is closing.

You’ve crossed the barrier, and I can’t come closer, but still I call to you.

You press further in, you press against those bars, and you reach for the view.

You desire the view that you’ll never obtain, the bars bear witness.

You think I am holding you back, holding the best from you, but those bars are not my doing, those bars: deception and denial.

Oh my son, you don’t see what is happening,

The silent door is closing.

You don’t notice because your back is to me where I stand at the threshold. I stand there, calling out to you, but you aren’t listening to me.

The lock so subtle, barely audible, oh that wretched door!

You’re listening to your own desires, listening to the selfish voice within.

Oh my son, you don’t see what has happened,

The silent door has closed.

There he is, still looking out a window with a view he’ll never reach, talking to himself, fixated on possibilities that will never come to pass.

If only he would peel his gaze away from the Eden he longs for. So much has changed; he is so far from me, so absent from my Presence, absent from the Eden he walked with in freedom.

Still I stand.

Still I wait.

I pull against the bars of that silent door, but there is no clanging. These are silent doors.

I call out his name, but he doesn’t hear. He’s listening to himself.

I take my seat at the door, waiting. I’ll wait as long as it takes.

Oh my son, you don’t see what has happened,

That silent door has closed.

One day.

One day he’ll turn around.

One day he’ll realize the view is empty if he can never cross the bars.

One day he’ll want freedom. One day he’ll want to leave the prison.

One day he’ll ask me to come, to take him to that distant Eden he sees out the window but can never embrace.

He’ll turn and see the prison cell and

The silent door that closed.

He will call to me and I will answer. He will run to the silent door and try to escape.

I will be there. He will be there.

Oh my son, give me the key!

Then he’ll realize the key to freedom is in his hand. The key he never gave me, the one he held onto, the key called sexuality.

For all the years he spends in his prison, he’ll realize that freedom was as close as surrendering his key to me.

I stand there, hand outstretched, asking for his key, promising freedom and more than a view; an adventure,

a relationship,

a life beyond the cold dark bars of this prison cell,

a place away from the silent door that closes.

He will hand me the key. That silent door will open again. Freedom will become his stride. Joy will become his balance. Hope will become his help. Love will be his banner. The Eden before him will be embraced, no longer an empty view,

no longer locked away from the silent door that closes.”

Dear Daughter

Come now my daughter, come sit with me.

Come tell me the secrets that your heart keeps.

I know you’re afraid of the darkness outside but I’ll hold you close and keep on the lights.

Come now my daughter, come sit and sing.

And let me tell you stories of what you’ll be.

Cause I created you to do great things.

So come sit my daughter, come sit with me.

My love will overflow and my grace will keep you close.

And no matter if you run I’ll find you there

So you don’t have to fear for Daddy’s here.

Yes, Daddy’s here

Come now my daughter, come sit and sing.

For you were once lost but now you’re a queen.

Come now my daughter, you’re light is shining.

Cause you were lost but now you’re a diamond.

So come now my daughter, you’re safe in my arms.

Death never had you. I already won.

I know I felt far but I was right by your side.

Now you’re in my arms safe for all time.

So come now my daughter, come sit and sing.

For you were lost but now you’re a queen.

I cried every day that you were gone but now I have you here safe in my arms.

 

Pumpkins and All

I want to have a farm.

A huge farm with tons of little animals.

I want to plant pumpkins just so we can carve them all.

I want to have a library.

A library with a ladder that reaches to the ceiling.

I want to have a music room.

A room where I can sing my heart out.

I want to have you.

But you don’t want me.

Although I am sad that we will never plant our pumpkins together

I am trusting that God will bring me someone who sees my value.

And even if He doesn’t bring me someone, I will plant my pumpkins full of joy.

My joy is not dependent on an earthly relationship.

It is dependent on God and the joy He gives me.

Be filled with joy today despite the disappointments.

 

Please, Wait

This week is national suicide prevention week. Unexpectedly, it has been somewhat an emotional week for me. I have thought over and over what would I say to my past self to prevent myself from attempting suicide. What would I say to someone else who was thinking about suicide? So I decided to write a poem ( I use that word loosely… I just decided to write).

 

Please, wait.

Wait for the day when you will laugh deeply.

Joy will bubble up from your toes.

A feeling you never expected to get back.

You will sit with friends and remember what it feels like to be alive.

You will cry with your parents over their love for you.

Wait, for ‘your person’ to sit across from you and you can’t remember ever feeling a love like this.

Wait, for the special moments when you can encourage someone else to keep going because you made it through.

Life will look different.

You won’t look at it with a cold heart and scorching tongue.

Instead, you will look at it with amazement.

You will see the extraordinary in everyday things and conversations.

Wait, for life to whisper a sweet love song to you.

Find your passion and let it consume you.

Let hope rise within your soul and conquer what you thought you never could.

Wait, for love to come your way.

It doesn’t have to be romantic love to be special.

It can be the kind of love that will sit with you in silence while you cry.

You will have bad days. Days where you feel like you can’t win.

The difference will be that you have conquered the darkness and you will conquer it again.

You are a light that the world needs to see.

Darkness cannot overcome light but light can overcome darkness.

Please, wait

It may sound cliche but it is worth it to keep living.

Please, wait

For the lucky person that gets to love you.

Please, Wait

For the beautiful home, you will get to create.

Please, wait

For your life to unfold into a beautiful mosaic from your broken pieces.

Please, wait

 

Even When It Hurts

I had a conversation with God today.

It wasn’t easy. It was filled with a lot of pain and tears.

He said, ‘ I know how much you love this person but you have to lay them down at the cross. You have to let go.’

My eyes filled with tears and I said, ‘God it hurts. It is breaking my heart to do this.’

He lovingly responded, ‘I know it hurts but everything will be okay.’

With that I picked up your body and I laid it at the foot of the cross. 

I’ll do whatever you ask of me, Lord. I know your plan for me is great. My heart hurts and my sadness is deep but I will trust in you.

‘Even when it hurts like hell, I’ll praise You.’ ~ Hillsong Even when it Hurts

The Gardener

I am a gardener.

My garden is wild.

It is filled with many beautiful flowers

But I am constantly working on it.

There is a vastness to it that I can’t comprehend.

I am a gardener.

My garden is intricate.

Delicately designed to show its best parts

But tries to hide the weeds.

I hope that one day most of the weeds will be removed

But it will take time.

I am a gardener.

I am waiting for the one who will garden with me.

The one who will look at all my flowers

And see God in the dripping morning dew.

The one who won’t be intimidated by

the vast wilderness.

The one who sees potential in what my garden could be.

I am a gardener.

And I am waiting for you.

I will sit with God and pray for you until you come.