My dear heart,
You have to wait.
It isn’t easy.
This time is filled with confusion but the beauty that will come is incomprehensible.
Have the strength to hold on for one of God’s greatest gifts.
God loved you so much that He created you to also love.
And your love will burn like a raging wildfire.
It will spread and rage out of control.
It will be wild like God’s love for you.
My dear heart, I know you are hurting.
I know you are sad.
I know you are confused.
But God’s best for you is coming.
Be prepared heart for when He gets here a joy will erupt that can only be from God.
Patience, dear heart.
God hears your prayers and collects your silent tears.
My heart is a tumultuous sea in a hurricane.
My love for you is as deep as the sea.
You do not know its depth.
My eyes are the lighthouse on the cliff hoping you’ll find rest at the sight of shore.
Yet, you ignore the beautiful wilderness that is right in front of you.
How sad I feel for you.
You are so blinded by your own selfishness that no matter how desperately I try to get you not to hit the rocks, you do not see.
There is beauty in a sunken ship but there is also no life.
You don’t love the ocean and I won’t force you to.
Not everyone can handle a love that knows no depth.
I hope that whatever wilderness you find that you love and cherish its uniqueness.
Admire the intricacies of indescribable beauty.
My heart is a tumultuous sea in a hurricane but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sadness knocks on my door. Normally I ignore him but tonight I let him in.
He asks, ” why haven’t you let me in every time I knock?”
I sigh, “because you hold me back from my full potential. Tonight I needed to experience your presence again.”
He stared at me with a firm gaze and said, ” You can’t cry, can you? Your soul is longing to weep. I feel the emotions good and bad building within you. What is holding you back?”
“I’m afraid to cry. I’m scared to let any part of you touch my soul. I can’t go back into the dark sleep I was in. But you’re here and we’re talking…. Even as we talk I want so desperately to cry… But I can’t. I can’t muster up these tears of release.”
Sadness grabbed my hand. We sat for a long time in silence just holding hands. I wasn’t sure how to feel. He stared at me and started to cry.
“What’s wrong ?”, I asked.
“You have been through an awful lot. You have proven your strength. You have fought a hard battle. I’m sad that you can’t even shed tears of triumph.”
“I have missed your company, sadness. You are a reminder of why I still have hope. You help me see how far I’ve come. I’ve shut you out for so long… I think I’ll let you stay for a few days but you can’t stay forever. My true strength and joy will lift me back up, soon.”
Tell me why we have to lose something in order to express our true feelings?
Tell me why we let people get to a point of feeling so unloved, unwanted, unimportant that they take their life?
Tell me why we can’t just rip our chest open and expose our hearts?
Tell me why we can’t take 30 seconds out of our day to awknowledge someone?
Tell me why we are too afraid to step into a love that is so real only few people experience its power?
Tell me why you can’t love me?
Tell me why you decided to leave?
Tell me why, please
When most people turn 22 it isn’t that big of a deal. It is that middle ground of your 20s that isn’t as exciting as 21 or 25.
But for me 22 is one of the biggest years of my life. My 21st year of life was one of the hardest. I never dreamed in a million years that I would have been fighting for my life the entire year. Everyday was a battle with depression and suicide. If it wasn’t for my family and my church family supporting me I’m not sure if I would have made it.
So 22 is HUGE! Making it to my birthday is something to celebrate! I’m so humbled and thankful for God’s mercy on me. I’m constantly reminded about how precious life is. So tell that person you love them. Share your feelings. Do things you’ve always wanted to do. Spend time in beautiful areas. Life is too short to allow someone or something to steal your joy.
I’m claiming 22 as my year of victory. My year of growth. My year of solidifying who God has called me to be. A year of joy. A year filled with deep laughter. I’m expectant that God will move in big ways this year.
So bring it on 22 I’m ready for you!!
I’ve always been the girl who was looked over.
The girl who has an awesome personality but only is seen as a friend.
The girl who makes me feel safe and vulnerable.
The girl who I could spend all day with but you’re just not my type.
I use to think there was something wrong with me.
I was too ugly or too fat. I was too much.
Then God whispered to me, ” My darling there is nothing wrong with you. You are a gem hidden beneath the surface. The man I have for you will see you. He will see every detail and cry with wonder. There will be no hesitation. There will be no doubt in his mind that you were made for him. Be at peace the men who look over you do not know your worth. They do not know the value of the heart they once held.”
I’m the girl who is looked over but thank God I am.
If you thought the story ended with a jovial revival of self acceptance, then you were wrong…. So very wrong.
The brave girl gave a warm but half hearted smile to the old man. She squeezed his hands and said, ‘ let me tell you a story’
‘There once was a girl who detested snakes. She always thought a good snake was a dead one. She never entertained the idea of having a snake in her life for they frightened her. One day a snake came slithering up to her and instead of killing it she listened to its sweet hiss filled lies. She cut ties with those she loved. She knew deep in her heart that snakes were dangerous but she swore she could turn that snake into a lion. She knew that if she tried hard enough the scales would fall off of that snake and everything would be different. She swore she saw all the qualities of a lion while she was being bitten by a snake. As the venom sank deeper and deeper into her veins, her chest started pounding. She no longer thought clearly the venom had attacked every part of her body. The snake swore that his venom wasn’t poisonous. That it was the girl’s mind that was causing all this pain. The girl couldn’t understand what was wrong with her so she gave more of herself to the snake. The snake had coiled himself so tightly around the girl that she had turned blue. He kept whispering to her that this was true love. Pain equaled love. Hurting equaled adoration. Abuse equaled everlasting. As the life was being choked out of her a tribe of people had cut her loose from the snake’s grip. She was finally free from the snake but not from her own mistakes. She had given up everything for the serpent. She didn’t know who she was anymore. She tried to find normal again but couldn’t. She tried to find God again but couldn’t so she decided to take her own life. What was her life worth anymore? She was dirty and used. No one would want a victim but rather a victor. She wasn’t that. She was a white canvas that had been painted black never to return to the original print. She was a goner. She was a priceless painting that had been torn to shreds. Worthless. Ugly. Stupid. She deserved the ridicule from those around her.’
The old man listened intently to the brave girl’s story. He quietly asked her, ‘Did the girl succeed in killing herself?’
Hot tears started to fill the brave girl’s eyes as she whispered, ‘no.’
The old man then asked,’ Do you know how the antidote for venom is created? The venom from the snake is injected into a horse. The horse creates the antibodies used to fight the venom. Did the girl in the story know that the antibodies she created from the venom could be used to save another victim’s life?’