Don’t ask how I’m doing unless you want an honest answer.
This depression in my brain is just like a cancer.
Don’t tell me everything is going to be okay when you have no idea what this pain feels like.
When you get to sleep at night.
Because I can promise you that I am awake scared to death to sleep.
When I sleep I dream of death and when I awake to the sun in my room I cry.
I cry because I didn’t die but then I hear a song or see something so beautiful that for a moment I have hope.
A stranger smiles at me and someone buys me coffee. I suddenly feel like life is okay.
But then as the sun says goodnight I fight the intrusive thoughts.
The thought that I am not wanted. I have nothing to offer. I am not enough.
The thoughts that taught me how to have enough courage to swollow a bottle of pills.
How messed up is it that I have more courage in my attempts, then I do in talking to strangers.
But you see everyday is this battle of dark and light. Night and day.
People pray for me. They say, ‘stay for me.’
And during the daylight I induldge in their wishes but as soon as night comes I burn those bridges.
Each day is a fight. A plight of life.
What keeps me going is my desire to set fire to the hearts of those hurting.
I know you, my friends.
I see your pain. I feel it myself.
The shame. The guilt. The hate.
I feel those things like you but instead of trying to put out the fire I let it consume me.
I allow myself to feel the pain and I take it and make it my own.
I harness the fire to light the way to my desires.
My dreams that are way too big.
My purpose that is bigger than myself.
My love for all things beautiful.
I still struggle with living but instead of hiding from my demons…
I fight back.
So cry because you awoke to the sun.
Cry for the all the pain you feel.
Live, for there will come a time where your story will be needed to help someone else feeling as you do now.