The Night. The Day. The Fight

Don’t ask how I’m doing unless you want an honest answer.

This depression in my brain is just like a cancer.

Ruthless. Destructive.

Don’t tell me everything is going to be okay when you have no idea what this pain feels like. 

When you get to sleep at night.

Because I can promise you that I am awake scared to death to sleep.

When I sleep I dream of death and when I awake to the sun in my room I cry.

I cry because I didn’t die but then I hear a song or see something so beautiful that for a moment I have hope.

A stranger smiles at me and someone buys me coffee. I suddenly feel like life is okay.

But then as the sun says goodnight I fight the intrusive thoughts.

The thought that I am not wanted. I have nothing to offer. I am not enough.

The thoughts that taught me how to have enough courage to swollow a bottle of pills.

How messed up is it that I have more courage in my attempts, then I do in talking to strangers.

But you see everyday is this battle of dark and light. Night and day. 

People pray for me. They say, ‘stay for me.’

And during the daylight I induldge in their wishes but as soon as night comes I burn those bridges.

Each day is a fight. A plight of life.

What keeps me going is my desire to set fire to the hearts of those hurting.

I know you, my friends.

I see your pain. I feel it myself.

The shame. The guilt. The hate.

I feel those things like you but instead of trying to put out the fire I let it consume me. 

I allow myself to feel the pain and I take it and make it my own.

I harness the fire to light the way to my desires.

My dreams that are way too big.

My purpose that is bigger than myself.

My love for all things beautiful.

I still struggle with living but instead of hiding from my demons…

I fight back.

So cry because you awoke to the sun.

Cry for the all the pain you feel.

Cry

Feel

Breathe

Live, for there will come a time where your story will be needed to help someone else feeling as you do now.

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