Child

I just want to connect.

I want to feel like a normal college girl.

I’m stuck in a world of silence and loneliness.

Maybe this grain of sand will turn into a pearl.

I’m trying my best to navigate the waters of friendship.

This ship is going down without a sound.

No one sees me. No one hears my cry.

I can’t connect.

I haven’t found a drop of life.

I’m afraid I never will so I will be still and wait.

I’ll wait for my end and try not to pretend that I wasn’t a mistake.

I’m a child who can’t connect.

Light

 I’ll turn my scars into stars.

I’ll rewrite the future and not let my past define it.

I’ll come back from the isolation of mars.

I’ll defeat the demons who are out to slit my throat.

I need you more than ever to help me rise above.

I need more than ever to learn how to love myself.

I can’t keep living in the dark with you.

You have no place here in my mind.

I may crawl back into the dark but I will no longer hold myself captive.

You will no longer refract the light from my eyes.

I see right through your disguise.

You will no longer tell me lies.

I need you more than ever to help me rise above.

I need more than ever to learn how to love myself.

I can’t keep living in the dark with you.

You have no place here in my mind.

I hope you can tell the difference between the two people I am talking to.

One is light and the other is dark.

They have both always played a part.

Now I know you are smart but which will you let win

Light or dark?

No Words

The words aren’t coming.

My mind feels hazy.

I’m stuck on a phrase.

I feel like I’m going through a maze.

I can’t force creativity.

I wish that I could

but most of the time it’s understood.

Proclivity.

The doubt starts streaming in.

Why do I write? I’m not any good.

Why do I write? It’s not understood.

Where’s my pen?

I choose to write to discourage my enemies.

I take fire daily from what I’ve done.

If you hand me a gun I won’t shoot myself

but I’ll shoot the demon that likes to live on my shelf.

Ashore

I’m struggling.

Help me.

Save me.

My eyes can’t take anymore.

I’ve seen too much pain.

Pull me ashore.

Drain my thoughts.

I have to believe that you see me.

I have to believe that you know me.

Save me.

I can’t feel your presence.

Where have you gone?

Here let me sing you a song

and maybe you’ll come along.

I know I don’t deserve grace

but please just let me see your face

because I can’t stay awake another night.

Save me.

Please, I’m trying.

I’m done lying.

Take away the pain.

Take away the pain, please.

Try

I’m just trying to think.

I’m just trying to think.

What is my kitchen sink?

Let me know if you catch the link.

I can’t go to sleep.

I can’t go to sleep.

I don’t mean to get deep

but I think I’m going to weep.

I’m alive another day.

I’m alive another day.

The world looks gray

but I’m alive another day.

Where Did I Go?

Dear Father, I’m sorry I haven’t called back.

It’s just that I’ve gotten off track.

I’m not the girl you once knew.

I was just passing through this town.

No, don’t worry about me.

I survived the fall when you didn’t catch me at all.

You see I cried for you to save me

but instead, I got a pill to be fed.

They say it’s all in my head but every day I ask,

‘Why am I not dead?”

I guess I have a purpose that I still have to find.

now it’s time to rhyme.

Dear Father, I’m sorry I haven’t been a good daughter

but you see I couldn’t see the devastation in front of me.

The room was dark and cold. It had no windows.

I couldn’t see the sun so I decided to run.

I ran and ran but I suddenly got stuck in the sand.

My mouth was dry and my bones felt weak.

The desert was all I could see.

Please find me.

Dear Father, I’m sorry I ran but you have to understand.

I was no longer in your promise land.

My hands shake and my thoughts quake.

I’m not the girl you once knew. I’m no longer passing through.

Find me.

Find me.

Find me, Father.

Hemingway

Shameful, guilty, worthless

These are my verses I tell myself each day.

My mind leads me astray.

Call me Hemingway.

They say you have to let the light in

but how can I do that when I have to show what’s within?

People say I have a nice smile but only for a little while.

They read my verses and say, “Maybe you should try a new style”

Shameful, guilty, worthless

These are my verses I tell myself each day.

My mind leads me astray.

Call me Hemingway.

Why can’t I be what I want?

Why can’t I say what I’m feeling?

I’ll never be a debutante.

So stop the judgments it’s unappealing.

I’m broken but I always will be until I leave.

No, I’m not going to grieve.

This is me.

And all my idiosyncrasies.