As I am sitting here beginning to write a post about saying Goodbye to my grandmother, I hear her favorite owl hooing outside my window. God is good.
Goodbye. It is a final word to say. It means that something is leaving. Goodbye.
My best friend in the entire world died almost 6 years ago this March. She was an adventurer who was always young at heart. She was stubborn, dedicated, and loving. She LOVED people. She loved community. She loved her family. She was the strongest woman I had ever known. She taught me how to act with grace and confidence. We went on many adventures together. Laughing as we watched the sun set over the lake.
I sang to her as she took her final breath. I was 14 years old. She took her last breath on March 4th at 11:50am. I remember it like it was yesterday. My hero had fought her fight and was ready to see her Lord.
I haven’t been able to let go of her.
Death is such a final thing. Death makes us all selfish because WE wan’t that person to live. WE want them to stay forever. WE don’t want to let them go. I don’t want to let her go. I don’t want to miss her all the time. I don’t want to think about things I could have done to help her more. The selfish part of me wants to cling to every fiber of her that is left in this house of hers. It wants to hate the man who wants to sell the house because to me that is selling a piece of her. I want her. I want the physical memories this house holds forever. I WANT. I WANT. I WANT.
I have sat in this house quiet for the last week. I have no job. I have little friends down here. I sat and listened and prayed. God spoke and said, “Let go”. I tried to plead with Him and beg Him not to make me give her up. He said again, “Let go my love… She wants you to let go. She wants you to move on. She wants you to grow”
So here I am. Writing my goodbye. Tears are streaming down my face as I fully put her into God’s hands. This house is no longer her. Lake county is no longer her. The memories will be forever etched into my mind but I have to let the house go. This isn’t an easy thing for me but I am trusting that God has better plans for me.
I am free
I am free of the guilt. I am free of the anger. I am free of the hate. I am free to live, laugh, and love to my fullest.
Goodbye my best friend. I have finally given you to God. I can’t wait to see you someday!