He Doesn’t Deserve My Grace but I Don’t Deserve God’s

There is a person in my life who has caused me pain. I thought he loved and cared for me but his actions proved different. For years I put up with his verbal and emotional abuse until I told my parents. I told them about the years of horrible treatment and they were shocked. They had no clue. The moment it was no longer a secret my heart started to hate him.

I hated him for years. I prayed for him to die and for harm to come his way. I refused to see him and hated the sound of his voice. I was putting myself in a jail cell filled with hatred. I would purposefully ignore God’s voice when it came to him. I wanted to dig the deepest hole possible and put all my hurt in there ,thinking that it would magically go away.

After years of counseling, talking through all the pain, and lots of crying. I fell to my knees before God and asked him to help me forgive him. I knew I could never do it on my own. I sobbed asking God to help heal my heart and to take this anger away. God moved in a big way after that moment. He forced me to confront the man that I had hated so much. It wasn’t easy. It was and is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The man who had caused me so much pain didn’t deserve my grace and mercy. He didn’t deserve my forgiveness.

He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness but I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. I sin everyday and God sent his Son to die for me so that I could be forgiven. Who am I to not forgive someone when God forgave me?  I’m not saying that forgiving an enemy is easy because it isn’t. I still struggle at times with anger towards him but the Lord speaks to my heart in those moments and reminds me of His grace.

I am free. Free from anger. Free from resentment. Free from hate. I am now able to love the unlovable. I am able to feel compassion and empathy for a person whose addiction has destroyed his relationships. I am able to feel sorrow for a soul that is never content. It was by the grace of God that I am in the place where I am now. I could never have forgiven him without God’s help.

I am no better than any other sinner. I will never deserve God’s grace but He gives it to me anyways. That is true Love!

Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Acts 20:32 And now I commend you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you the inheritance among all those who are sanctified.

  • If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind, then please seek help! God does not want you to suffer. He wants you in a healthy God filled relationship.

Love is Patient but It Isn’t Always Easy to Be

Romans 12:12, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”

Patient in affliction…..That is so hard! When we feel like we are going through hell the last thing we want to do is be patient. I struggle so much with keeping my eyes on God and waiting for His timing. I know His plan is better than mine but I just hate waiting! The area in my life where God has made me be the most patient is boys….. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been asked on a proper date. I was asked out my senior year to prom but that has been it. This area of my life has been the hardest for me to be patient in. My beautiful mom always talked about praying for my husband ever since I was little. I have always loved the idea of finding my one true prince…. but I have no idea what having a boyfriend is like. I have no idea how it feels to be kissed after a date. I have no idea what it is like to have someone look at me with eyes that adore me. This has been one of God’s biggest tests for me.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

I think one of the reasons I haven’t been asked out or found the love of my life is: 1. It hasn’t been God’s timing yet. 2. I haven’t become the person who I am looking for is looking for (Andy Stanley). God wants me to be the best person I can be for my husband. That’s why He is constantly shaping and molding me. He knows what I desire in a husband and He knows what my husband desires in me. As much as I hate waiting to find that everlasting love. I can rest in the fact that God has it all figured out. He knows when the best time will be for us to meet and to start a relationship.

Since I have moved down to Florida there has been a massive work in my heart. I have all this quiet time to sit with the Lord and pray. I pray for peace and for the Lord to help me to become the best person I can be. I pray continually for my husband and his strength in the Lord. I don’t know where the Lord will take me but I do know that I will follow no matter what.

I hope that if you struggle with waiting on “the one” that you will know that God has it all planned out for you. It isn’t easy to wait but just put your trust in the Lord that He will send the right person at the right time!

Isaiah 30:18, “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!”

Sticks and Stones may Break my Bones but Words Will Always Hurt Me

Why do words hurt so badly? Why do they carry so much weight with our soul? Why is it that I can’t remember all my anatomy but I can remember a hurtful comment said to me from elementary school? Words are powerful. They are more powerful than any man made machine. Words are so powerful that you can rules nations with them. You can convince people to commit genocide with them. Words are so powerful that when you’re pregnant your child will mimic the way you talk. Words are so so so so powerful.

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit”

Death and life….wow…. We must be so careful what we say to one another because it can cause DEATH or LIFE! Isn’t it scary to know that every hurtful, mean, or judgmental comment you’ve ever said could have brought death to their soul. I don’t know about you but I sure as heck don’t want to be known for speaking death! I want to encourage and love on people. It isn’t always easy, though. There are plenty of times where someone says something nasty to me and I want to say something nasty right back. In those moments I have to ask the Lord to help me.

From kindergarten through sophomore year of high school I was horrifically bullied for my weight. Yes, I was fat but at least I was sweet (most of the time lol). To this day my insecurities with the way I look can take over my mind. I struggle horribly with not looking in the mirror and hating myself because of those comments. The devil tries to play on my fears and insecurities and whispers things like, “See all those people were right about you”. God gives me the courage to stand up to him and tell him, “No devil! I am fearfully and wonderfully made by my heavenly Father!”

I am a work in progress and always will be. The one thing I have learned from my experiences is that I NEVER want to hurt somebody with my words. I know first hand how destructive it can be.

Psalm 57:4 “My soul is among lions; I must lie among those who breathe forth fire, Even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows And their tongue a sharp sword”

My soul is among lions who want to cause death but I will choose not to become one of them. I choose to guard my tongue and to only say words that encourage and build. I pray that if you struggle with your tongue being a sword that you’ll remember it can be Life and Death. The Lord LOVED you so much that he died for you and He would never want anyone to stab you with their words. It is a conscious choice we have to make to Love one another. Love will always win!!! Jesus proved that by what he did on the Cross. Death was covered by LOVE!

I hope you have a blessed day and I hope you know how loved you are. You are valuable and worthy. You were made for a great purpose!

Breaking Free

As I sit at my breakfast table looking at how beautiful the day will be, I am in awe. I have been through so many trials in my life and for the first time I am at peace with where i’m at. My relationship with God hasn’t always been easy. There were times I was angry, sad, and even disappointed with Him. Those feelings weren’t a result of God’s doing they were a result of me not getting my way. It took me YEARS to figure out that God’s plan for me is awesome. He isn’t a burden. He isn’t trying to hinder me. He is LOVING me. Anyone with parents knows that they tell you “No” because they love you. They want whats best for you. As teenagers and young adults we can’t always see our destructive tendencies and behaviors. THANK GOD that I have parents and friend who will call me out when I am doing something destructive. They don’t call me out to embarrass me but to save me from myself. They love me so much that they never want to see me get hurt.

God works in the same way. He is your Father. He created you and knows everything about you. He wants you to have an incredible life that will glorify him. There will be times that God will tell you “No my love”. It can be painful at first to hear those words but it is said with soooooo much love. In my own life I use to get angry every time God told me no. I hated the fact that he just wouldn’t make the boy like me or that He wouldn’t give my dad that job or how He would remove certain friends from my life. Why couldn’t He just give me what I want? The answer is simple now that I look back at all the times He has said “No my child”.  God says no because of LOVE. He wants you to be living in freedom not in sin. He doesn’t want you to get caught up in this world because it will only bring pain. When we walk outside of God’s will for our lives, then we dance on the edge of destruction.

I write these words as an encouragement to you. Let God lead you. He will never lead you astray or into hurt. He died for you because he loves you! You are beautiful and wonderful. You are God’s child!

“He is the absolute joy of my life. I don’t just love Him. I love loving Him. Surrendering my heart to Him has not been a sacrifice. I don’t know any other way to say it: He works for me” ~ Beth Moore